you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
