i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
