The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
