She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
this just has baby written all over it
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize