You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
