No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
