Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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