the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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