Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
