I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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