I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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