We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
