so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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