That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
