Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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