how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
