If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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