Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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