Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Did we literally take a cab across the street
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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