She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
