she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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