Soap is not a condiment
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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