I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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