Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
