Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
