I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
