yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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