it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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