Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
