feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
