fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I believe in your delicious
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize