Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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