I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
