I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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