i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
