me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
