He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
