Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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