My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
A bitchslap is in order.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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