OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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