I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
