I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
