Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
