Princesses don't give blow jobs
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Randomize
