If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
