im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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