He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
