just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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