Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
