he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
