i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
