Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
