you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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