I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize