My liver just broke up with me...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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