It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
