final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
