yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
