i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
