Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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