Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
id be glad to
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
